Refinement

This season has been incredibly busy and difficult.  However, the relative busyness isn’t my main source of distress, but rather, it’s that I’m working new muscles on all fronts: marriage, school, discipleship, etc.  The following statement is fairly uncouth, I know, especially considering my future profession, but … I feel crazy.

In spiritual terms, this means I’m being refined.  My Mac dictionary tells me that refinement is “the process of removing impurities or unwanted elements from a substance.”  Personally, refinement has felt like repeatedly walking into a wall, which I’m certain contained an open door just seconds before.  It’s frustrating, yet good.  God is teaching me that the old maps no longer apply to this new frontier.  The only thing that endures over time is His voice (or Word), and he’s teaching me how to listen.  For years I’ve struggled to navigate my own path, listening only to my own desires.  Guess what?  That’s no bueno.  Covenants require a different frame of mind.

Currently, the biggest hurdle I face in learning to listen to God, ironically, has to do with speaking.  I’ve noticed that it is extremely difficult to speak my needs.  I don’t have the language.  And I don’t have the language because I’ve never given myself the grace to need anything.  Years ago something got skewed in my thinking.  Wants took the place of needs.  Perhaps I was so hemmed in by my parents that I never had a substantial need for more than a minute.  Now I actually have needs: unscheduled space, play, time with guy friends, time for school work, to have Blakely validate my feelings, to have my lunch packed, etc.  But here’s what happens in the moment …

Blakely: “How can I help you today, babe?  Do you need anything?”

Me(Tom): “No, not that I can think of.” (Thinking/feeling – You should know what I need!)

I wonder how often I approach the Father in this same way.  He continually asks if there anything I need and I decline, but internally I resent Him.  No doubt this breaks His heart as it is his pleasure to give me the Kingdom, yet I don’t ask.  Similarly, I’m sure this hurts Blakely’s heart as it is her pleasure to serve and love me, yet I say, “No thanks.”

Recently, Psalm 73 has helped to normalize my struggle.

21  When my soul was embittered,
when I was pricked in heart,
22  I was brutish and ignorant;
I was like a beast toward you.

23  Nevertheless, I am continually with you;
you hold my right hand.
24  You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will receive me to glory.
25  Whom have I in heaven but you?
And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.
26  My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

  

Oh Yeah- We Got Married

So, I almost forgot that some would like to see some pictures of our wedding. The marvelous day of April 2nd, 2011 was the day I married the incredible Tom Page.  It’s been about 6 weeks and I have to admit, it’s gone by so fast.  It’s so fun to finally be married and hard to believe it was only about 9 months ago I was fighting to believe I would ever be married…. must less to TOM PAGE. There’s so much I could say about marriage-  the first month, the mystery, the challenge, the bliss, the safety, the comfort, the confusion- but we’ll save that for another day and the years to come.

Shelley Winkler with Tom Brawner officiated our wedding and I thought it fitting to include some of the wisdom spoken over us on the day we began becoming one.

This marriage ceremony is a kingdom moment. God impressed on me this week that this marriage matters greatly in the Kingdom. You have a shared mission. You have already begun to live it out in choosing to live in Kansas City, Kansas. You two together is more powerful as One in Christ and will create not just a ripple but a wave that will advance Jesus and God’s care in many lives and affect a culture.

I believe….in marriage you are not meant to compete with each other but to complete each other. I have seen an intimate companionship between you two. I have recognized a completing of one another.  I am reminded of Ephesians 5:21 “The husband is to provide leadership to his wife the way that Christ does to the church not by domineering but by cherishing. Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty.” Tom, your words, your responsiveness, your supportive love has evoked the beauty that we seen in Blakely today. She is radiant. She will always need to know her beauty through your cherishing words and tender touch, the way you listen to her.

The way that Christ loves the Church is an abandoned love-abandoned sacrificial love. It is the intensity of the love required for marriage.

Ephesians 5:25 says “It’s a love marked by giving not getting.” Blakely, this is the love that you bring today and give Tom for a lifetime. This is the love that you, Tom, have been embracing Blakely with.

[Further in Ephesians] “Everything he does and says is designed to bring out the best in her. Dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness and that is how husbands ought to love their wives.”

Bring out the life in each other by daily giving yourselves up for one another just as Christ gave himself up for the church. This is the daily process of becoming one. God designed marriage that as you nurture the potential in each other you nurture the potential in you…

And now for some pictures by the talented Tim Tab Studios

Now, as you read the closing of our cermoney, know that indeed- the Lord does care for you.

God cares so much for you. You now begin an extraordinary journey of discovering how he cares for you now as one in his eyes and his heart.

Tom and Blakely it is with great honor and confident joy we now stand with you in this moment to lead you through your wedding vows as you give yourselves away to each other, and in doing so you are giving yourselves to God in the covenant of marriage…

Twilight Zone Neighborhood

Every few days my wife and I try to walk around our neighborhood, known as St. Peter’s Parish, in Kansas City, KS. We moved here more or less on a hunch that God had something for us to do in this neighborhood. Honestly, I’m not sure that we have a real clear picture of what we’re supposed to do other than live here and be good neighbors. When we walk, we dream about what the neighborhood could be, and brainstorm how condemned buildings could be reclaimed for the community, how empty lots could be gardens, and how we can bring vastly different cultures together. Not once have we returned to our house after a walk without first having a significant encounter, either with a person or an area.

We are starting to call our neighborhood the Twilight Zone (is this an outdated reference yet? It feels like it. Hey, Gen Y, Twilight Zone = weird stuff). It feels this way because it is obvious that God is doing similar things in other people in our proximity – some are lifers who have been here 40 plus years; others are church people who have been serving and praying for a decade or more; then there are immigrants and relocated refugees, as well as relocated suburbanites; and this is certainly not the end of the list but there are many children, eager for … well, I’m not sure exactly, but if you spend time with them, they will latch onto you.

Yesterday, on the way home from another eye-opening walk, we passed a little girl on her front porch who seemed to be singing. We continued our stroll, but soon heard a quickened pitter-patter approaching us from behind. As we turned, the singing porch-child was barreling down the hill with such speed I feared she might split us like bowling pins. Panting heavily, she stopped just short of us and said, “Excuse me, but could I interest you in some icy cold wadda”? I exchanged a curious glance with Blakely, who before I could say “no,” responded with a kindly, “Yes, that’d be great!” and then followed the girl up the hill to her house. As for me, I was stuck in place, totally dumbstruck. The girl proceeded to bring us both tall glasses of cold, fresh water in plastic cups. We drank while she played in front of her house. Blakely engaged her with questions like “What’s your name? What gave you this great idea? How many have you given water to?” etc. Apparently, we were the first to stop and receive from her.

I was reminded of what Jesus said in Mark 9:41. “If anyone gives you even a cup of water because you belong to the Messiah, I tell you the truth, that person will surely be rewarded.” I believe it. And I’m thankful for my wife who made sure this little one would not be denied the opportunity to serve us.

Well Hello

Welcome to the start of our blog!

Tom gave a good overview on the “About” page, but thought I’d use our first post to introduce ourselves in our blog format.

Here we hope to bring our story to the table recognizing that it is essentially the ebb and flow of the plot that makes a story. So our hope is to have you along as we experience those ebbs and flows with all the variety and monotony it may offer.

My (Blakely) hope is that over time you’ll be able to learn from Tom’s ninja relational skills as we build relationships in our neighborhood; be able to laugh a little as we laugh (and all sorts of other emotions) at ourselves in our first year of marriage; get a new recipe idea or cooking tip here and there when we peak into the Page kitchen and my life as a WIC dietitian; get a sense of how we’re building our rhythm as a family navigating missional lifestyle w/our friends, 40 hr wk jobs (Blakely), 40 hr wk school/counseling practicum (Tom), Sabbath, rest, work, play, dreams, reality, gifting, calling, responsibility, relationship, grace, obedience, Covenant and Kingdom…

Hopefully we’re courageous enough to share enough of our lives that you can both learn something practical and feel more at home in your own life by hearing our story.

But regardless of what you experience here, the blessing of Israel also be your blessing- Numbers 6:24-26 “May the Lord bless you and protect you. May the Lord smile on you and be gracious to you. May the Lord show you his favor and give you his peace.”